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Thread: By far the funniest thing I ever read! You have to read this! LMAO! Got tears! LOL!

  1. #1
    Executive dbcooper's Avatar
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    Cool By far the funniest thing I ever read! You have to read this! LMAO! Got tears! LOL!

    Katmanro63 sent this to me! Thanks KK....LMAO!


    A man who bought his lovely wife a pocket Tazer for their anniversary
    submitted this:

    Last weekend I saw something at Larry's Pistol & Pawn Shop that sparked my
    interest.

    The occasion was our 15th anniversary and I was looking for a little
    something extra for my wife Julie. What I came across was a
    100,000-volt, pocket/purse- sized tazer.

    The effects of the tazer were supposed to be short lived, with no
    long-term adverse affect on your assailant, allowing her adequate time
    to retreat to safety....??

    WAY TOO COOL! Long story short, I bought the device and brought it home. I
    loaded two AAA batteries in the darn thing and pushed the button.
    Nothing! I was disappointed. I learned, however, that if I pushed the
    button and pressed it against a metal surface at the same time, I'd
    get the blue arc of electricity darting back and forth between the
    prongs.

    AWESOME!!!

    Unfortunately, I have yet to explain to Julie what that burn spot is
    on the face of her microwave.

    Okay, so I was home alone with this new toy, thinking to myself that
    it couldn't be all that bad with only two AAA batteries, right?

    There I sat in my recliner, my cat Gracie looking on intently
    (trusting little soul)while I was reading the directions and thinking
    that I really needed to try this thing out on a flesh & blood moving
    target.

    I must admit I thought about zapping Gracie (for a fraction of a
    second) and then thought better of it. She is such a sweet cat. But,
    if I was going to give this thing to my wife to protect herself
    against a mugger, I did want some assurance that it would work as
    advertised. Am I wrong?

    So, there I sat in a pair of shorts and a tank top with my reading glasses
    perched delicately on the bridge of my nose, directions in one hand,
    and tazer in another.

    The directions said that a one-second burst would shock and disorient
    your assailant; a two-second burst was supposed to cause muscle spasms
    and a major loss of bodily control; and a three-second burst would
    purportedly make your assailant flop on the ground like a fish out of
    water. Any burst longer than three seconds would be wasting the
    batteries.

    All the while I'm looking at this little device measuring about 5"
    long, less than 3/4 inch in circumference (loaded with two itsy, bitsy
    AAA batteries); pretty cute really, and thinking to myself, 'no
    possible way!'

    What happened next is almost beyond description, but I'll do my best ...

    I'm sitting there alone, Gracie looking on with her head cocked to one
    side so as to say, 'Don't do it stupid,' reasoning that a one second
    burst from such a tiny lil ole thing couldn't hurt all that bad. I
    decided to give myself a one second burst just for heck of it. I
    touched the prongs to my naked thigh, pushed the button, and ...

    HOLY MOTHER OF GOD ... . WEAPONS OF MASS DESTRUCTION . . . WHAT THE
    ....!!!

    I'm pretty sure Hulk Hogan ran in through the side door, picked me up
    in the recliner, then body slammed us both on the carpet, over and
    over and over again. I vaguely recall waking up on my side in the
    fetal position, with tears in my eyes, body soaking wet, both nipples
    on fire, testicles nowhere to be found, with my left arm tucked under
    my body in the oddest position, and tingling in my legs!

    The cat was making meowing sounds I had never heard before, clinging
    to a picture frame hanging above the fireplace, obviously in an
    attempt to avoid getting slammed by my body flopping all over the
    living room.

    Note: If you ever feel compelled to 'mug' yourself with a tazer, one
    note of caution: there is NO such thing as a one second burst when you
    zap yourself! You will not let go of that thing until it is dislodged
    from your hand by a violent thrashing about on the floor! A three
    second burst would be considered conservative!

    A minute or so later (I can't be sure, as time was a relative thing at
    that point), I collected my wits (what little I had left), sat up and
    surveyed the landscape.

    My bent reading glasses were on the mantel of the fireplace. The
    recliner was upside down and about 8 feet or so from where it
    originally was. My triceps, right thigh and both nipples were still
    twitching. My face felt like it had been shot up with Novocain, and my
    bottom lip weighed 88 lbs. I had no control over the drooling.

    Apparently I had crapped in my shorts, but was too numb to know for
    sure, and my sense of smell was gone. I saw a faint smoke cloud above
    my head, which I believe came from my hair. I'm still looking for my
    testicles and I'm offering a significant reward for their safe return!

    P.s... My wife can't stop laughing about my experience, loved the gift and
    now regularly threatens me with it!

    If you think education is difficult, try being stupid !!! ONLY A MAN WOULD
    ATTEMPT THIS!

  2. #2
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    That is pretty darn funny for sure.
    Bet it was no so funny at the time for you.
    Thanks for sharing.

  3. #3
    Member LeoGoddess's Avatar
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    OMG Men have the craziest sense of humor. LOL I love it that was too funny.

  4. #4
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    It's sad...but I probably would have done the same thing. Guess what my wife isn't getting on our anniversary ...it will be safer for me that way!

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    Thanks for the post.

  6. #6
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    Thanks! I need that! LMAOOOOO lol

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    Great post need a good laught and will surely sleep better tonight.

  8. #8
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    Quote Originally Posted by mailamerica View Post
    It's sad...but I probably would have done the same thing. Guess what my wife isn't getting on our anniversary ...it will be safer for me that way!
    that is sad, but I probably would have done it, too!

  9. #9
    Nance1
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    hilarious!!

  10. #10
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    ROFLMAO .... I couldn't even get past first 1/2 for 5 minutes! ROFLMAO !!!

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