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Thread: Texas Chili Cook-off

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    Texas Chili Cook-off

    INEXPERIENCED CHILI JUDGE


    Notes From An Inexperienced Chili Tester Named FRANK, who was visiting
    Texas from the East Coast: "Recently, I was honored to be selected as a
    judge at a chili cook-off. The original person called in sick at the last
    moment and I happened to be standing there at the judge's table asking
    directions to the beer wagon, when the call came.

    I was assured by the other two judges (Native Texans) that the chili
    wouldn't be all that spicy, and besides, they told me I could have free
    beer during the tasting. So I accepted."

    Here are the scorecards from the event:

    __________________________________________________ _______

    CHILI # 1 MIKE'S MANIAC MOBSTER MONSTER CHILI

    JUDGE ONE: A little too heavy on tomato. Amusing kick.

    JUDGE TWO: Nice, smooth tomato flavor. Very mild.

    FRANK: Holy shit, what the hell is this stuff? You could remove dried
    paint from your driveway. Took me two beers to put the flames out. I hope
    that's the worst one. These Texans are crazy.

    __________________________________________________ _______

    CHILI # 2 ARTHUR'S AFTERBURNER CHILI

    JUDGE ONE: Smokey, with a hint of pork. Slight Jalapeno tang.

    JUDGE TWO: Exciting BBQ flavor, needs more peppers to be taken
    seriously.

    FRANK: Keep this out of the reach of children I'm not sure what I am
    supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people who wanted to
    give me the Heimlich maneuver. They had to rush in more beer when they
    saw the look on my face.
    __________________________________________________ ________

    CHILI # 3 FRED'S FAMOUS BURN DOWN THE BARN CHILI

    JUDGE ONE: Excellent firehouse chili! Great kick. Needs more beans.

    JUDGE TWO: A beanless chili, a bit salty, good use of peppers.

    FRANK: Call the EPA, I've located a uranium spill. My nose feels like I
    have been snorting Drano. Everyone knows the routine by now get me more
    beer before I ignite. Barmaid pounded me on the back; now my backbone is
    in the front part of my chest. I'm getting shit-faced from all the beer.
    __________________________________________________ __________

    CHILI # 4 BUBBA'S BLACK *****

    JUDGE ONE: Black bean chili with almost no spice. Disappointing.

    JUDGE TWO: Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish or
    other mild foods, not much of a chili.

    FRANK: I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was unable to
    taste it, is it possible to burnout taste buds? Sally, the barmaid, was
    standing behind me with fresh refills; that 300 lb. Bitch is starting to
    look HOT, just like this nuclear waste I'm eating. Is chili an
    aphrodisiac?

    __________________________________________________ _____

    CHILI # 5 LINDA'S LEGAL LIP REMOVER

    JUDGE ONE: Meaty, strong chili. Cayenne peppers freshly ground, adding
    considerable kick. Very Impressive.

    JUDGE TWO: Chili using shredded beef, could use more tomato. Must admit
    the cayenne peppers make a strong statement.

    FRANK: My ears are ringing, sweat is pouring off my forehead and I can
    no longer focus my eyes. I farted and four people behind me needed
    paramedics. The contestant seemed offended when I told her that her chili
    had given me brain damage, Sally saved my tongue from bleeding by pouring
    beer directly on it from a pitcher. I wonder if I'm burning my lips off?
    It really pisses me off that the other judges asked me to stop screaming.
    Screw those rednecks!
    __________________________________________________ ______

    CHILI # 6 VERA'S VERY VEGETARIAN VARIETY

    JUDGE ONE: Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chili. Good balance of spice
    and peppers.

    JUDGE TWO: The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions, and garlic.
    Superb.

    FRANK: My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with gaseous,
    sulfuric flames. I shit myself when I farted and I'm worried it will eat
    through the chair. No one seems inclined to stand behind me except that
    slut Sally. She must be kinkier than I thought. Can't feel my lips
    anymore. I need to wipe my ass with a snow cone!
    __________________________________________________ _

    CHILI # 7 SUSAN'S SCREAMING SENSATION CHILI

    JUDGE ONE: A mediocre chili with too much reliance on canned peppers.

    JUDGE TWO: Ho Hum, tastes as if the chef literally threw in a can of
    chili peppers at the last moment. I should take note that I am worried
    about Judge Number 3, He appears to be in a bit of distress as he is
    cursing uncontrollably.

    FRANK: You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin, and I wouldn't
    feel a damn thing. I've lost sight in one eye, and the world sounds like
    it is made of rushing water. My shirt is covered with chili, which slid
    unnoticed out of my mouth. My pants are full of lava-like shit to match my
    damn shirt. At least during the autopsy they'll know what killed me. I've
    decided to stop breathing; it's too painful. Screw it. I'm not getting
    any oxygen anyway. If I need air, I'll just suck it in through the 4-inch
    hole in my stomach.
    __________________________________________________ __

    CHILI # 8 LESTER'S LAST OF THE RED-HOT LOVER'S CHILI

    JUDGE ONE: A perfect ending, this is a nice blend chili, safe for all,
    not too bold but spicy enough to declare it's existence.

    JUDGE TWO: This final entry is a good, balanced chili. Neither mild nor
    hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge Number 3 passed
    out, fell over and pulled the chili pot down on top of himself. Not sure
    if he's going to make it. Poor Yank, wonder how he'd have reacted to a
    really hot chili?

  2. #2
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    OK that maid me cry and I laughed so had I could not catch my breath.
    Great post oh and thanks for the laugh!!!

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    Executive dbcooper's Avatar
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    LMAO! Tears in my eyes!!! Hillarious! this gives my "tazer" story a run for its money!!! Not sure which is more funny now..but this was great...LMAO! Thanks alot!!!
    If its not on SD...it's probably crap!

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    Lol lol lol lol lol lol!!!!!

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    Thanks for the post.

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    Executive coopschick's Avatar
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    Oldie but Goodie!

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